Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Jon and Kate Abate

Thank you Michael, Farah, Ed,
In the headlines dying, dead,
Because for now, at any rate,
Not a word of Jon and Kate

Monday, June 29, 2009


Fio is having problems right now. Sometimes the carapace cracks and the pulsing pink innards show. Of course, that's also when she usually writes her best poems. Nothing like wallowing in the yuck and goo.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Wild Child

Fiorella grew up in a house in which there was a place for everything and everything was in its place. Except, of course, for Fio. As her father informed her years later, she was their "wild child."

Now, this isn't to say that Fio doesn't like stability. To the contrary, she adores stability, clings to stability, strives for stability. Thus she avoids cooking or cleaning house--meals are eaten and gone while houses rapidly get dirty again. On the other hand, compositions, whether in art or music or literature, are stable. They don't self-combust.

Let's face it: Fio likes stability in her life because she herself is so unstable.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Dead Icon

Michael Jackson, who would not have wanted to be fifty years old anyway, is dead. Let the legend begin.

Now at last people can listen to his music without their consciences being bothered by his relationships with young boys. Dead musicians, like dead authors, are harmless and thus can be reborn guilt-free (unlike dead politicians, who seem to acquire ever more stink the longer they lie in the grave).

But what about "his" children? Their lives have been so bizarre. Is there any hope for them at all?

Friday, June 26, 2009

Leg Vain

Tired of clogging up the bathtub drain every time she shaves, Fio signed her legs up for laser hair removal. The first session was yesterday, and the experience confirmed her supposition that, if ever tortured, she'd squeal like the proverbial stuck pig.

On the other hand, perpetually smooth legs are worth a sting or two.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Parental Delinquency

Frankly, Fiorella thinks Jon and Kate are well-matched. They are both immature and none-too-bright. She has new balloons in her breasts and he has new hardware in his ears. He has hair plugs and she has--well, whatever she has in her hair.

And both of them yammer on about how it's all about the kids. Yeah, the kids had to have a 14-room house on 23 wooded acres. Yeah, the kids insisted on wearing new matching outfits every time the camera flicked on. Yeah, the kids asked for all those dream vacations and visiting TV stars. Yeah, the kids asked for Mom and Dad to be gone all the time so they could interact with paid staff. Yeah, the kids asked for their parents to fight the battle of the tabloids, then divorce.

Of course the show will go on. But it's not for the kids. It's for Jon and Kate to be able to pursue their individual shallow interests.

What wonderful parental role models.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mystery Man

Husband's birthday was yesterday--or maybe today. He grew up celebrating it on the 23rd, but his birth certificate lists it as the 24th. We're not sure if the doctor made a mistake or Husband's mother, who could be rather formidable, decided to change history.

So now you know--Fio loves a Man of Mystery.

P.S. This post was supposed to appear on Wednesday, but it didn't, for some reason . . . . maybe Mother-in-Law taking charge from beyond the grave?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Happy Birthday, Husband!

It's frosted cake and candles
For Husband's sake today
Because he's turning forty-four,
Which is the final score
'Cuz Fiorella's forty-three,
One year younger, yes, than he,
And so she means to stay!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Nobel Prize, Please

Fiorella postulates that light is what sound looks like. And everything we hear is the sound of light. In other words, light and sound are just different manifestations of each other.

Fiorella has long held that music is the language, the mechanism, that directs the universe--pitches and rhythm, pitches and rhythm (artistic compositions of light?).

Fiorella doesn't believe in empty space because empty space would collapse in on itself and cease to exist.

Fiorella thinks she thinks too much.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

DNA for Father's Day

For Father's Day, Fio is giving Husband back his heritage.

Remember when Fio raved on about stupid DNA Tribes, which tested Husband's DNA and said he was TURKISH in both sides? And remember that, resisting the urge to go out and buy Husband a fetching fez, Fio sent DNA Tribes a polite inquiry which their spokesperson brushed off? And what you don't know is that when Fio vented her pique on her blog, some DNA Tribes shill made a comment back to the effect that there are often surprises in our backgrounds.

Don't ever cross Fio like that because she doesn't get mad--she does more research!

Yes, Fio contacted another DNA company and sent in the swabs again. The maternal results haven't come back yet, but the paternal results are so Celtic it isn't even funny--which agrees with the National Geographic Genome Project's deep analysis results.

Take that, dumb DNA Tribes! You're a fraud!

And happy Father's Day, sweetie.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Sic that Cell!

Dogs see telephones as their natural enemies because communication devices take our attention away from where it rightfully belongs--on them.

Wendy Dog nuzzles at me and drops rawhide bones on my lap while I am on the phone. Husband says she waits till he is on the phone to tell him she needs to go outside. Both of us have noted that she saves her most ferocious barking until we are using a phone.

Which is nothing compared to the cat I told you about who chose that time to pee in my purse.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Thinking in the Box

Remember when Fiorella said that in the third grade she decided to stay eight years old forever? Well, to a certain extent, she has.

Four strange-looking flat packages arrived in the mail today. Tearing them apart, Fio discovered they were the new bank checks she had ordered, and that she was expected to use the pre-marked and folded packaging to make boxes for the checks, which she proceeded to do with gusto.

Never mind the directions. Fio likes figuring things out for herself. And she did. What a wonderful ten minutes she had putting everything together!

I don't know about you, but I think Fio is crazy.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Birds of a Feather

"How did THAT happen," Husband exclaimed when he came downstairs this morning and noticed three pairs of shoes reclining in front of his recliner. (To be exact, one pair of shoes, one pair of sandals, and one pair of moccasins.)

Now, Fio has noticed the same sort of footwear pile-up for years and has a pretty good idea how it happened.

On the other hand, it might be the law of attraction. Furniture stores all gather in the same area. So do car dealerships. And teen-agers.

Yes, the foorwear could have accumulated all on its own.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Daddy's Girl

I haven't written about my father for a long time because he's still alive.

Sort of.

But today when I went into his room, he was awake and alert and I think he knew who I was. He didn't talk, of course, and he moved very slowly, but he deliberately arranged me so that I was embracing him, then, centimeter by centimeter, rearranged me so that he was embracing me.

I prayed that he would die like this, loving and being loved.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Animal Farm

Does Sarah Palin think she is a sacred cow? Is there a King's X on her that's supposed to protect her from comedy or critique?

Sorry, Sarah. You're a public figure and you've made your kids public figures. Suck it up and stop making as ass of yourself.

Monday, June 15, 2009


Fio believes in feeling good
Fio believes in fun
While you can yet escape her mood
Put on your shoes and RUN!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Conspiracy Theory

Fioralla has finally figured it out. There is a dire plot, probably hatched by the New World Order, to do away with chocolate, at least the chocolate products Fio especially likes.

Years ago HEB sold an intensely chocolate cookie. The brand was "Mother's," as Fio recalls, and she adored those cookies. But they soon were no more.

Since then she has shamelessly indulged in HEB's own chocolatety chocolate cookies. But they have disappeared from the bakery displays within the past six months.

Then there is the chocolate marble pound cake that Starbucks has discontinued. And the chocolate and marshmallow swirls Lil' Debbie no longer makes.

Need Fio say more? None of this can be a coincidence. And just wait till Fio tells you about the TV shows she liked that were canceled!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lazy Morning

Sometimes Fio skims the surface,
Sometimes she digs deep,
Sometimes all she wants to do
Is stay in bed and sleep.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Computer Gone Wild!

I think my computer just gave me a black eye.

Dell (I call my computer by its first name) had just informed me that its battery was low so I lifted it up to reach for the life-supplying umbilical and the cover flopped up and HIT ME IN THE EYE!

Don't tell me that wasn't pre-meditated!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Absentee Juror

Fiorella was all primped and primed for jury duty, but she flunked out of her own accord. Yes, the judge gave 150 of us leave to go if we had what we considered to be good excuses, and by then, two hours after she had arrived, Fio did. She had planned to stay the course, but nausea and claustrophobia took its toll. Mostly what we were doing was sitting and waiting, and Fio doesn't handle close spaces or crowds well.

It was all for the best. Fiorella was getting restless and who knows what she might have said or done.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Judicial Excuses

Fiorella is very excited about the prospect of jury duty. She hopes she is chosen and gets a juicy case. Not juicy enough to interfere with her life, of course, but juicy enough to give her fodder for her blog and for any murder mystery she ends up writing in the future.

Fio wasn't always so enthusiastic about jury duty back when her pay would get docked if she missed work. In fact, she developed several ways to ensure she WASN'T chosen. First, she always strove to make an eccentric fashion statement; second, announced she was an underpaid academic; then, showed extreme preference for one side or the other. It worked.

But consider the single-sentence eloquence of the man who was being considered for a case involving a Chow-Chow. Narrowing his eyes, he drawled, "Never did like them black-tongued devil dogs."

Juror dismissed.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Cold Turkey

Has Fiorella ever told you about how she quit smoking?

Yes, Fiorella started smoking in her misguided teens because she was a very good girl and needed some harmless way to be wicked. Soon enough, everyone learned that smoking was not harmless, but Fio was hooked.

Until she had her wisdom teeth removed, that is. Now, Fio's wisdom teeth were very well-rooted, which meant they had to be not only halved but quartered to be removed in about a three-hour session. She was sent home with a bloody maw and some nice pills.

During the next week, most of which she spent in bed recovering, she faithfully took the nice pills, admired the pretty patterns of light on the ceiling, and stopped smoking because she developed the theory that cancer was caused by the tobacco mosaic virus, which could enter her body through the gaping wounds in her gums.

She was also afraid she might set the bedclothes on fire.

Anyway, one week without smoking, and Fio was cured. Although she sometimes still dreams about smoking just one cigarette.

Monday, June 8, 2009


On Saturday, Fio and Husband saw the first fawns of the year--in a neighbor's yard, then in theirs.

Fio has a thing about babies of any kind; and fawns, spindly-legged and shy, are especially charming. One can almost forgive them for eating the red-tipped fotinias into oblivion.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Don't Honk at Me!

Fiorella is NOT happy with the other drivers on the road. They are so rude.

Thursday evening, while Fio was driving to the library, she had a brilliant idea. Now, Fio often gets brilliant ideas while driving and immediately looks for stop lights or stop signs at which to write them down. And sometimes the idea is not only brilliant but fairly extensive so Fio has to pause a second or two extra . . . or three or four . . . and people have the nerve to HONK at her!

Fio thinks drivers should be more respectful of an artist at work. In fact, she's thinking of sticking a sign on her back window that says BRILLIANT IDEA BEING HATCHED; DON'T HONK!

And that pertains to when she accidentally wobbles out of her traffic lane too.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Split Personality

The atmosphere at the recent RWA meetings has been getting a little raunchy lately so President Emma sent a tactful note out on the loop suggesting everyone tone it down. Immediately Fio's good twin contacted Emma, apologizing for anything she might have said or done to contribute to the problem. As soon as Good Twin received Emma's soothing reply, Fio's bad twin took over, telling Emma that she planned to wear a tee with naked breasts printed on it to the next meeting.

Swinging between Lutheran guilt and adolescent rebellion--that's our Fio!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Good and Bad

Good writers can be bad people. Fiorella was reminded of this when it hit the news that a local essayist/bloggist had been arrested for Munchuasen by Proxy--introducing fecal matter into the feeding tube of her three-year-old to keep her sick. And then there was Norman Mailer's protegee, the talented writer imprisoned for murder, the one who, as soon as Miller got him sprung, promptly went out and murdered somebody else.

And who can forget the Marquis de Sade?

Good talkers can be bad people too. On a small scale we call them con men. On a larger scale, they're called . . . politicians.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Fiorella's Interpretation

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name: thank you for yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven: strengthen us to accept and move forward.

Give us this day our daily bread: provide us the sustenance we need.

And forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us: as You offer forgiveness to us, let us forgive each other and live in peace.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil: strengthen us to resist the evil within us and protect us from the evil outside of us.

For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever, amen.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Formative Years

Fiorella's RWA chapter loop has started a thread in which members write down the fifteen books that have "stuck with them" the most.

Now, first of, all, please note how well Fio has mastered (mistressed?) such technical terms as "loop" and "thread."

Then notice that she did not say she is volunteering her own list.

The truth is, her own list would be totally embarrassing compared to the lists that have already appeared: Great Expectations, A Wrinkle in Time, Little Women, Lord of the Flies, stuff like that--really good literature. The stories that have stayed with Fio are less exalted. In fact, many of them are downright trashy.

One of the most influential books she ever read (second grade)was the story of a girl rabbit who persevered and became an Easter Bunny despite motherhood and rampant rabbit sexism. Another book, the title of which is also forever lost in the cobwebbed labyrinths of Fio's so-called mind, was about a family of eight children who got marooned off the coast of California in about 1900 and survived until they were finally rescued by doing such things as cutting the oldest girl's long hair and braiding it into a rope. She also adored the exotic-ness of the twin series--the Dutch twins, the caveman twins, etc.--which her mother sneered at. But then, Mother sneered at the Anne of Green Gables series too.

In other words, the books which have really stuck with Fio are not the great literature which she read as an adult, but the ones that her own weirdness related to in her early years--anything by Edgar Rice Burroughs (fourth grade), Nancy Drew (fifth grade on up), that Andre Norton book about a mutant teen who communicated telepathically with the panther (junior high).

Psychologists out there, analyze as you will.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Social Agreements

Fiorella and Husband went out to eat this evening and she started thinking about how wonderful it was that they could order their steak dinners and be trusted to pay AFTER they had eaten all the evidence.

Then she thought about how most people obey traffic laws, not because a cop is riding their tails, but because they consider it the most logical thing to do to avoid accidents.

And she thought about how people will rush into burning buildings to save complete strangers.

And then she thought that maybe there's something to this civilization business after all.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Fiorella's excerpt was fairly well received by the other members of her group at the RWA critique session. But their perception of Fioralla herself was somewhat skewed.

How long was her manuscript, someone asked. Ninety-thousand words, she answered.

The group expressed surprised. In fact, their eyes bulged out of their heads.

"What happens in the story?" one inquired.

Fiorella summarized hot sex, gang rape, attempted kidnapping, and attempted murder.

Their eyes bulged further.

"I thought this would be a sweet romance," one of them admitted.

So much for appearances. Fio may look domestic, but she's a wild one.