Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bad Test, Good Cop

See that woman sitting in her car in front of a Valero convenience store scarfing down a huge chocolate bar? That's Fiorella and she's just had a stress test.

Just what is a stress test, you ask. It's an invention by devil doctors to find out how well your heart is working by half-killing you. Fio hates stress tests and is always sure she'll die mid-process

Which brings us to the chocolate. The test is not painful per se, but it is uncomfortable enough that Fio has been known to whimper and moan, uh, under stress. When the test's over, you're supposed to get hold of any sort of caffeine to offset the remaining side effects.

So when Fio bounced out of the doctors' office in her usual high-flying style and slithered into her darling baby car, she headed towards Lamme's Candy for a medically-prescribed double helping of chocolate fudge (shades of Harry Potter). But after she'd been on the road for a few minutes, she started feeling funny--short of breath, woozy--exactly the symptoms the techie had described. Gasping like dying cow, she tried for a shortcut to Lamme's.

Unfortunately, the shortcut involved an illegal right turn onto Airport Boulevard and she got nailed. Fio panicked. What if she passed out before she got any caffeine?

"Do you have any chocolate on you?" she asked the policeman, breathing even harder. She waggled her red-bandaged hand him. "I've just had a stress test and need caffeine immediately."

APD's finest lived up to his vow of community service. "There's a convenience store right down the street," he said, pointing to the right. "Just don't make this turn again."

Fio was at the store in three minutes and sitting in the parking lot munching on chocolate two minutes after that. Within ten minutes, she'd also circled around to Lamme's and scored some chocolate break-up.

But not before stopping in the turn lane at the fateful intersection, spotting her own particular Good Cop, and yelling, "THANK YOU! I THOUGHT I WAS DYING."

That's a story he'll tell over doughnuts.

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