The Coumadin Nurse from Hell Is Gone!

The coumadin nurse from hell informed me that I shouldn't even consider lap-band surgery because I would just gain back the weight, plus some. She had been a bariatric nurse, she said, and she knew. Instead, she told me, I should go to a nutritionist, hire a personal trainer, and stay away from all those fad diets I had indulged in, grapefruit and all that.

I have never been on a fad diet in my life.

The next time I showed up to have my finger pricked, I mentioned that my doctor had told me to switch from the generic warfarin to real coumadin because there could be as much as 20% variance between batches. "Not so," the coumadin nurse told me. "I know because I'm a coumadin nurse. The government won't allow more than a 10% percent variance, and I have 403 patients on warfarin, and none of them have any problems." Then she upped my warfarin dosage because my blood was running thick.

"You've been eating too many dark green vegetables," she said.

I have never eaten a dark green vegetable in my life.

The next time I showed up, I kept my mouth shut as to any future medical intentions. After all, the woman controlled the finger pricker. As I left, she said, "That's it for today, young lady!"
I briefly considered strangling her to death, but decided there were too many people around for me to get away with it. The next time I visited, she called me "dear."

Now, an older person can address a younger person as "dear" or "young lady," and it's rather sweet. But a younger person using these terms to address an older person is insolent, rude, and patronizing. I wanted to turn on her and inform her I was not "dear" or "young lady," but "Your Majesty, Queen of the Universe." But she had the power of the pricker so I kept my mouth shut and stewed. During my quiet times, I did learn , however, that the coumadin nurse had been not only a bariatic nurse, but also a pediatric nurse, and a surgical nurse. She got around.

Last week I went in to the Coumadin Clinic and someone I didn't recognize was sitting at the nurse's desk. She introduced herself with a big smile and called me "Mrs. Plum."

"Is the other one gone then?" I asked, hoping against hope.

"Yes. She said it was too overwhelming."