Harvey

Fiorella is down right now. The hurricane didn't come anywhere near where she lives, but her heart hurts for the people--the real live human people, not just statistics--who have drowned as they tried so hard to escape the rising waters. And she feels the stunned sorrow of the survivors who have lost everything--their homes, their vehicles, their food and clothing, their photo albums, those special things handed down through generations of their families. Then there are the dead and displaced animals. Fio would like to stop the hurricane, to roll back the calendar. She wants everyone and everything to survive, to be saved.

There's no clever turn-around at the end of this post. Disaster is disaster, and Fiorella is in mourning.

Overwhelmed

Tired and sad
Angry, so mad,
Too little time
Too much to do
Out of her mind
Fiorella is blue

Taking on All Comers

Fiorella doesn't understand.  After she and her brother left the family nest, her mother had a hard time finding ways to occupy herself and actually went through a period of depression. Fio herself has wrestled with depression from time to time, but never from lack of things to do. There are always pictures to paint, languages to learn at, stories to write, a house to whip into shape, and now, five and one-third acres to tame. Fio's often feels overwhelmed, but she's never at loose ends.

Weighing It All

Nothing beats laughter and random kindness to pull Fio out of a depression.  She had a great time at Mazda yesterday while she was picking up her baby car--Jason and Richard are lots of fun--and then, when she stopped by H-E-B to pick up a few things for supper, an employee who was outside gathering baskets noticed she was looking for a small one and ran across the roadway to fetch one for her.  And inside the store, she was able to snag a bigger package of hamburger (for Husband, Son, and Fio) than the butcher usually cuts, and a checker invited her to a new line she was opening up.

Fate balances out.

Sucker

Fiorella, who tends toward depression, feeds off the happiness of others.  Not in a vampiric way, but in a warming-her-hands-at-the fire sort of way.  When she was younger, she wept and raged at the unfairness of fate, but age has brought acceptance,

And Fio being Fio, she still hopes and prays and pushes on.

Accumulations

So many sorrows within me
So many secrets I cannot say
So much I cannot speak aloud
That will not go away

Up, Up, Up!

Fiorella confesses that not only has she been sick, but depressed. She felt betrayed by parts of Christmas that did not go right, ripping the scab off that devastating midsummer debacle.

But she's on the road to recovery, both from the cold and the blues.  The cold ran its course, but Fio had to cure the depression by God and her lonesome.  She forced herself into her regular morning routine--piano, weights, nails, and plies (but omitting the walks, PT and VT).  She also cleaned up the post-Christmas house.

Her mood went up several notches when Friend Suzy MM called in the evening and went ecstatic over the chapters of Lolly's story which Fiorella had asked her to peruse.  No, SMM didn't find the first love scene repugnant or the main characters' relationship distasteful.  In fact, SMM wanted more. which means Fio does not have to kill Lolly--just hide her out for a while.

But the topper was later that evening, after Husband had gone upstairs, when Fio was watching TV to dumb herself down before bed.  Anderson Cooper had a show featuring "ordinary" people who leapt to the occasion, no matter the odds, BECAUSE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.   Fiorella wept, of course, because that's what she does when things touch her heart, and told herself that if they could do it, she could do it.  If that cancer-ridden teenager could keep on going till he died, she could keep on going too.

Onward, Fio.  Onward and upward!

Comfort

You are going to laugh at this, but Husband brought home a plush puppy yesterday, and it literally warmed Fiorella's heart..  She petted it and talked to it and carried it around with her, and she felt a healing warmth whenever she held it close.

Is it female?  Is it Fiorella?  Is there some sort of gadget inside the puppy?  Fio doesn't know, but she likes it.

Half-rhyme

She should have confessed
Though you might have guessed
That Fiorella is stressed--
Upset and depressed
And thoroughly messed
Up

This too shall pass,
Though it seems it will last
Forever.

Screw It!

I'm in a bad mood
I'm going to brood
Nothing is going right--
My schedule's awry
I want to cry
In fact, I think I might

Too much to do
My brain is goo
My head throbs like a drum--
And I can't ignore
That internal roar
Of "You dunce!  Can't you get anything done?"

Turn the Page

Fio has had an overwhelming month--Friend Nicole's death, her own hip problem, Younger Son's birthday, preparing for Christmas, designing and mailing cards, Daughter's wedding, Older Son's pneumonia--so it was not surprising that losing her purse, a big Christmas gift, and another, smaller, one had her down and out last night. After all she still had half the house to decorate and it was just four days till Christmas.

Then, before bed, she had a talk with Son, who was totally depressed about his job situation--he has none. Fiorella couldn't sleep. Instead she prayed and prayed and prayed. Begged and prayed, cried and prayed. Finally she got up to go downstairs. On the way down, she lifted a piece of paper from her art desk to reveal three family history books she's been looking for since forever. All she'd had to do the whole time was lift one piece of paper to find them.

If that was all it took, maybe she COULD find the missing Christmas gifts, maybe she COULD find her purse, maybe she COULD get everything done before Christmas. Maybe Son COULD find a job.

If we'd just turn the page.

Downer

There's no getting around it. Fiorella, who is usually up, is down. There was all that telephone and internet trouble last week, followed by a horrible day-long migraine (which is still echoing around her brain), then the five dead plants in the expensive new landscape, the bank making her dig up more and more meaningless financial records for the prospective refinancing, and, to top it off, although she renewed two weeks ago, AVG telling her that her computer is unprotected, but not supplying a phone number for her to call to straighten things out.

Also, while Older Son was visiting, he discovered the plumbing for the downstairs bathroom is leaking behind the wall.

So Fio ponders all this stuff and of all the things that have happened in the past, and she feels overloaded.

But she can't even go to church because, while she silently prays for strength, the pastor's life, as he lets everyone know, is halcyon, which only intensifies her depression.

Downtime

Fiorella's mood
Verges on "brood."
So many she knows
Are hitting lows.
Hopeless despair
Is in the air
And nobody, nobody,
Seems to care.