Hag-riddance

I don't doubt that Ritchie wants to dump Madonna. She looks very uncomfortable to live with--all bone, sinew, and embalming fluid. Whatever possessed her, a fifty year old woman who looks seventy, to wear her hair down around her cadaverly-sunken face in golden ringlets? And all the kohl in Egypt outlining her eyes?

Wise up, woman! Reinvent yourself! Try for a little class this time. Put on a few pounds; zaftig is in. Cut the red string. Whack off the hair and dye it a more natural color or let it go stark white, if it will. Remember how good John Kerry's wife looked at age sixty-three? Take her as your role model.

And don't adopt another baby. There's no way you can convince us you're still ovulating.